Crunch crunch

 

We talked this morning about dementia, “nursing” homes (as Alene calls them all), and some life and death stuff in general. 

She doesn’t want to go into a facility as I’ve mentioned. She doesn’t want her money to be depleted because she wants to leave it for her kids. She doesn’t want Abbey to have to come visit her in a home and she doesn’t want to be a burden. I asked her what she’d want if she became a burden at home? I asked if she was to be less of a burden in a facility, would she be willing to go?  She said yes, but firmly said she’s not there yet. She really believes she’s a big help to Abbey at the house doing the laundry and cleaning blinds.

She knows she’s a lot of work. She knows her brain is dying slowly. She said again she feels it crunching occasionally. We joked about that even though it’s not too funny. She said she knows she should remember things, but it’s just not there anymore—-she tries. She knows she won’t get any better and knows she’s getting worse.  She thinks Abbey does enough for her and works too hard. 

She really dislikes Abbey leaving her notes with what to do, like please unload the dishwasher. I asked if she’d remember to do it if Abbey didn’t leave her a note. At first she said yes, then said maybe. 

Abbey asked me to make sure her mom takes her medication twice daily. Of course at first I forgot a couple of the evening doses but now have a routine. I doubt Alene would’ve remembered many doses at all. Alene disputes that.

She’d rather die than be a burden. So we talked about suicide again. I know she was raised Catholic for the first several years of her life. I asked “what about heaven? We were taught you wouldn’t go to heaven if you committed suicide.”  She said she really doesn’t think she believes in heaven anymore. 

I told her that if she committed suicide, she’d cause so much more pain for her friends and family. I understand her desire in her current situation-not that I’d ever follow through. I don’t think she would either. She just doesn’t want to live in a world where she’s got to be taken care of and can’t enjoy the simple things in life.

She asked me if I was enjoying my book and I said yes. I asked if she was enjoying hers. She looked at me and said “Diane, I can’t remember what I’ve read from one day to the next.”  It makes me sad because she’s always loved reading a good book.

We just finished watching Gran Torino. She doesn’t remember ever seeing it, but said if the dvd is here, she probably has. She had a difficult time focusing on the movie so I paused it periodically so we could visit and kind of reset. Plus, Alene has, and should be wearing, hearing aids. She hates them. She didn’t bring them to the FF.

We ended this conversation on kind of a positive note. She said she’d go into a ‘home’ if I was in there too. I said, “Okay, we’ll make a pact. You go where you need to go when the time is necessary. I promise you that if I need to go into a home, I’ll do my very best to join you there.” She said “Okay! We’ll have so much fun!”

She’ll have likely forgotten the conversation by tomorrow if she hasn’t already.